I was working on my first book of poetry. I had decided to self-publish. My husband and I agreed it was the right time; we were in the right position. I had enough pieces to choose from, and there were to be four separate sections that would flow into and organically follow one another into the planned slim but substantial volume. Each piece had been carefully selected, edited and categorized. I was putting the pages into a plastic sleeve – everything was that ready. My editor and writing partner, Ruthie, was on the phone, we had just discussed the cover graphic.

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When my husband screamed from another part of the house I said, “Ruthie, we’ve got an emergency, I’ll call you back.”

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Ten days later Ruthie visited me in the waiting area of the hospital ICU where my husband’s life was precariously balanced between the spiritual world and ours. I hadn’t called her, but the “grapevine” had updated her. Ruthie and I didn’t speak of my poetry book again for about two years. During that time my life and those of my family had been sliced off and discarded by the amputation of my husband’s leg and subsequent, continuous, illnesses.

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The transition from poet to full-time caregiver was jolting, heart breaking and revealing. It revealed an amazing strength that I could only have guessed at. And at the same time, I found myself to be a coward who was no longer in touch with her feelings. The social worker in ICU had suggested that I keep a diary, an especially good therapeutic tool for a writer. On second thought, I told myself, no. I was too afraid to remember any of the emotional turmoil. At that point I had no idea how long my husband would live, if at all. I never wrote a word of what happened in real time; I do not want to experience any type of vivid re-call. The memories of that time, when they do come in the small doses that my sub-conscious will allow, are all negative in the extreme.

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About two years or more into my husband’s illnesses, which had developed from an acute crisis into a chronic one, I again dared to pick up the plastic sleeve of poems, with Ruthie on the other end of the telephone. I found the whole process, the poems, the editing and sorting, even the idea of publishing, meaningless and a waste of time. I thought no one would be interested any longer; my words had lost their unique ring.

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To prove my point to Ruthie I read a stanza from my poem “Gray Hair” (published in Israel Senior Life): “The stray gray hair / has been hidden for years / under the brown wig / waiting for the war to end”.

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“So what,” was my attitude. Then I read to her from “Hannah” (published in Fallopian Falafel): “Mother! / Daughters cry out through the generations” – and I shrugged into the phone. Who wrote these? And, what does anyone care? To me they seemed valueless.

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Ruthie parried with full quotes from several of my other poems, award winners among them, and they left me empty. I had been writing throughout the crisis – I never completely stopped. But I no longer recognized myself in my work, didn’t feel I could “waste my time” with it. I was no longer me; the earlier version was exposed for the fraud I felt she was. But Ruthie persuaded me to go to a poetry workshop that I had given up at the start of the crisis.

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The group leader, having heard my self-flagellating introduction said, “I don’t want to hear that any more, you’re an excellent poet.”

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One year after my husband’s passing I can report that my senses have slowly begun to re-convene: I have continued to co-edit, and write for The Deronda Review; I have submitted poems and articles elsewhere, albeit at a much slower rate. With the encouragement of writers here in Gush Etzion, I started a writing workshop which I call Pri HaGush, the sister group to Pri Hadash in Jerusalem. Surrounded by writing companions, I have been able to breathe more easily as I write. I have stopped tiptoeing around the rawness of my feelings. Even before mourning and grieving entered my life, writing was a process. The women writers of Pri HaGush have helped me recognize myself, the old and new versions, at least as much as I have helped them with writing skills and publishing venues as the group leader.

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Most recently I attended the Jewish Women’s Writing Conference in Jerusalem, where I reconnected with friends and colleagues, and put a face on my by-line from cyber-space.

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I still have so much to work out, work through. There are those feelings that I’d rather not deal with. There are the conflicts, the regrets, and guilt too. But yes, there is writing after death. I didn’t die, my words haven’t died, neither has my style. I just need a reminder from time to time.

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Thanks for Reading JWorld Café, The Poetica Magazine Blog

Mindy Aber Barad, Guest Blogger

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Mindy Aber Barad’s poetry, stories, book reviews and essays have been published in Fallopian Falafel, The Jewish Press, CyclamensandSwords.com and other publications both on and off line. Mindy is the Israeli co-editor of The Deronda Review. – Linda Pressman, Blog Editor

I’m writing about my soon-to-be-completed digital video, Tearjerker, an essay documentary on crying and tears. When I started writing this piece for Poetica, I began to wonder, is there something hidden in my Jewish background that piqued my interest in this subject? While Jews have certainly suffered their share of inequities, we are a particularly resilient bunch, and we are adept at using humor to heal. In any case, I’m not sure that any special relationship to crying or grief exists for Jews, although humor is another story!

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I don’t particularly consider myself a “cryer”, or a depressive type, although I’ve certainly gone through periods of intense grief and tears. A few years ago, I was browsing in a bookstore and stumbled upon a copy of Crying: The Natural & Cultural History of Tears, by writer and critic Tom Lutz. What most intrigued me were the many images of works of art from medieval painting to contemporary film stills. It seemed to me that crying was a visual subject, and therefore, a very cinematic one. I began watching as many films as I could that had well-known crying scenes, and getting recommendations from others on good examples. I also began looking into current psychological research and theories on crying, as well as on the physiology of tears.

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I started working on my project, a digital video consisting of interviews, footage of crying scenes from films and television, and original footage of actors crying, a baby crying, and a doll with a “crying” face, for example. I began to see a few themes emerging: crying from a physical standpoint, and how the body produces tears; as a cathartic act, and the effect on the body and mood after tears, which also includes the strong emotions we feel when experiencing works of art. Also, crying as it relates to gender, and whether or not crying is different for either sex; “faked” crying, or crying that isn’t genuine, but is used to manipulate others; and “magical” properties of tears. This last theme is strictly an artistic device, in which tears are seen to have some sort of supernatural or alchemic power.

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I’ve always been interested in situations and experiences that are ubiquitous, that we take for granted because they seem so common. We all cry as babies and children, even if we cry only rarely as adults. Crying is essentially part of an inevitable cycle – no matter how happy we may be, and no matter how hard we might try to avoid pain, we can always count on tears to happen at some point in our lives. I became most fascinated by the transformative power of tears. What makes us cry, and how is that reflected in art? One of my favorite quotes on crying comes from Madelon Sprengnether’s book, Crying At the Movies, in which she writes, “The lesson of crying is metamorphosis”. The act of crying transforms us from sad to happy and back again, in both life and art.

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Thanks for Reading JWorld Café, the Poetica Magazine Blog

Roslyn Broder, Guest Blogger

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Roslyn Broder is a Chicago-based graphic designer, jewelry designer, and filmmaker. She received her MFA in filmmaking from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Her films and videos have been screened and awarded at numerous festivals and venues around the country. You can find her graphic design work at http://roslynbroder.com/ and her jewelry at http://www.etsy.com/shop/RedAvaDesigns. For information about Tearjerker, contact Roslyn at redorb123@hotmail.com. Follow her on Twitter at: http://twitter.com/redorb1/ - Linda Pressman, Blog Editor

I hate roller coasters. The only time I rode one was on a dare on the boardwalk in Santa Cruz, California. I had just gotten engaged and Craig, my husband-to-be, jokingly said he would not marry me unless I rode the Big Dipper. As expected, I loathed every second of that 60-second ride. So, if I want a rush of excitement in my life, I sign up for a Torah reading. Reading Torah is my roller coaster ride.

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My earliest memory of hearing the Torah was on Rosh Hashanah morning. I sat with my grandfather as a small dark man, a Yemenite Jew, read the story of the binding of Isaac. I was mesmerized by the sound of the man’s strange, nasal chanting. I sat there wondering, how does he do that and when do I get my turn?

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Within my Conservative synagogue in New York City, boys preparing for their Bar Mitzvah were required to attend services on Saturday morning. Girls were required to go on Friday night. Girls would chant their Haftarah on Friday night and boys would be called to the Torah on Saturday mornings. It was never questioned or debated if girls should have a larger role participating in Jewish communal life. That’s how it was.

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We were taught that after our coming-of-age ceremony, boys were still required to go to shul but girls didn’t have to. Our rabbis, all Orthodox, said that girls were more spiritual by nature, thus relieving them of the obligation to attend services. They said if men were not required to go to shul, they would never go.

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It’s true. I did feel a natural spirituality. Each Friday night, I followed along with all of the melodies of Kabbalat Shabbat, the service where Jews welcome the Sabbath as a bride. On the evening of my Bat Mitzvah, I chanted my Haftarah with much confidence, never realizing that if my family continued to belong to this synagogue, it would be the last time I would be allowed on the bimah for ritual reasons. I would not be asked to join a minyan if they needed a tenth, because I was not a man. I would not be asked to read from the Torah or participate in services ever again. It made me feel as though I didn’t count, and on a certain level, as a Jewish woman, I didn’t.

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I had great respect for my Orthodox rabbis and teachers who I believe gave me a more solid supplementary Jewish education than my own children are receiving in our egalitarian synagogue. And I do have great respect for Modern Orthodox Judaism, which, I have been told, is considered the Conservative Judaism of my childhood. I admire their commitment to observing Shabbat, the hospitality they extend to guests on Saturday afternoons for lunch, and their dedication to Jewish day school education.

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When I became a mother, I also grew to appreciate why it is that women are not obligated to participate in time-bound mitzvot which could interfere with their tasks of mothering. I respect those who believe there are separate roles in Judaism for men and women. But what I cannot accept is where “not obligated” evolved into the extreme of “not allowed.” I also took some cues from Blu Greenberg, who wrote in her book On Women and Spirituality, that Judaism for women should not be a spectator sport.

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I finally learned how to read Torah at age 37. The first time I read, my heart beat so fast I could barely catch my breath, but my chazzan said never mind and encouraged me to take further readings. I would wear my husband’s old tallit, until he bestowed me with my own on my 38th birthday. It is sheer and silvery and I feel embraced by Craig’s love, God’s love, and my Jewish community each time I wear it.

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For me, I have come to realize that learning Torah is not an exercise in perfection, rather an act of participation and performing the mitzvah of studying Torah as a full-fledged member of the Jewish community. Just like that person getting strapped into the seat of a looping roller coaster, know that there is no turning back, but know you are in for a thrill.

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Thanks for Reading JWorld Café, the Poetica Magazine Blog

Stacy Gittleman, Guest Blogger

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Stacy Gittleman is a freelance writer and has been a Jewish educator in Rochester New York for 10 years. She lives in Rochester with her husband and their three children. She blogs at http://transplantednorth.wordpress.com/  - Linda Pressman, Blog Editor

In 2009 I posted some poems on the Poetica Magazine website and received a personal email from a reader in India. In response I emailed a poem to him that I had written about India. He suggested I post it on an Indian Literary journal site. Shernaz was a regular contributor there and I immediately felt that we were of kindred spirits. We met in Mumbai in Febrary 2010 during a visit I made to India. During our meeting, I described a form of joint poetry writing to her that I had learned from Sarah Wurtzel in Jerusalem in which each poet writes a nine-line poem on a chosen subject. The originator of the title then interweaves the two poems line by line with minimal editing.

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We decided to try this via email. The results were not inspiring so we remodeled the idea giving ourselves greater editing flexibility and making it into a more collaborative effort with far-reaching possibilities. Our challenging and exciting adventure had begun and the Tapestry Poetic form was born. We call it “Tapestry” since it’s a word that beautifully captures the sentiment and essence of the form and the intertwining of two different thought processes into a rich tapestry of words.

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The rules we formulated are that one of us gives a title and then we each compose a nine-line poem. We only open the other’s poem after both have been exchanged. Next comes the ‘weaving’ to interlace them into one seamless, flowing piece. The editing remains a to and fro process till we are both satisfied with the result. Bold italics are used for one of the poems to allow readers a picture of the weaving process. Additionally, the nine lines of each individual poem and the majority of the words must be kept; changes are allowed for singular and plural but only minimal changes for verbs, adverbs and adjectives; and only the giver of the title has the option of using it in the poem.

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When the variegated threads of our distinctly individual poems are woven together the result is an aesthetic word-scape as seen in these two Tapestries:

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RAPTURE - by Shernaz

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The Word was uttered

And Life sprang up

In beauteous splendor

To pay obeisance

To His Eternal Will

Ever since it has been

An ongoing love affair…

This rapturous desire of Life

To procreate itself.

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RAPTURE- by Avril

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The music began

Slowly, almost imperceptibly,

instrument after instrument added its voice.

Conductor, musicians, audience.

All held in rapture

by the ascending melody.

It was as if Heaven had opened

and drenched us all

in its celestial symphony.

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RAPTURE --Tapestry

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The Word was uttered

The music began

and Life sprang up

Slowly, almost imperceptibly…

In beauteous splendor

instrument after instrument added its voice,

to pay obeisance

to His Eternal Will.

Conductor, musicians, audience,

all held in rapture

by the ascending melody.

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Ever since it has been

an ongoing love affair…

It was as if Heaven had opened

this rapturous desire of Life

and drenched us all,

to procreate itself,

in it’s celestial symphony

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The Wind of Change by Shernaz

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let it be the force that flows

under feathers of peace

the bond that secures

the brotherhood of man

the salve that heals

the carrier of compassion

the ambassador of love

the redeemer of mankind

Hail! the wind of change

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The Wind of Change by Avril

It’s there,

whispering in the trees

A new beginning

A desire within our souls

to seek the truth

An awakening awareness

of the earth’s cry to be healed.

A deep inner yearning

that knows no borders

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The Wind of Change---TAPESTRY

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Hail! the wind of change!

A new beginning

whispering in the trees;

the force that flows

under feathers of peace

in an awakening awareness

of the earth’s cry to be saved

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It's here!

the redeemer

carrier of compassion

seeker of truth

ambassador of love

the salve that heals

an inner yearning

sown deep within our souls

that knows no borders

a bond that secures

the brotherhood of man

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To date we have worked on twenty-seven titles and only two turned out impossible to weave, the differences between our individual poems being too great.

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Tapestry Poetics has allowed us to intertwine our two hearts and minds around a central unifying topic, allowing us to bring our histories, our cultures and even our religions - I am Jewish and Shernaz is Zoroastrian - with us, essentially making peace on the page and proving that Poetry has no borders.

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Thanks for reading JWorld Café, the Poetica Magazine Blog

Avril Meallam and Shernaz Wadia, Guest Bloggers

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Avril Meallem was born in London and attended St. Mary’s Hospital where she studied physiotherapy. She immigrated to Israel in 1998 with her husband and now lives in Jerusalem. She began writing poetry in 1997, with work published in journals in Israel and abroad including Voices, H2E, the Yated newspaper, The Doronda Review, Leaves in India and on the Poetica forum. She is a regular contributor in the “Your Space” section of Muse India literary e-journal and together with Shernaz has won two first prizes and two honorable mentions for their Tapestry poems in the monthly competitions. She is the author of a book of poetry, Dancing With The Wind and is presently working on a second collection. You may reach her at aemeallem@gmail.com.  

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Shernaz Wadia is a retired teacher and homemaker living in Pune, India. Her poems have been published in e-journals such as boloji.com, Poets International (electronic and print), Pondering Moments, Poets India, Enchanting Verses International, kritya.in, MuseIndia, Autumn Leaves, Ribbons (a journal of Tanka), and anthologized in the book, Posy of Poesy. Her poem on Alzheimer’s has been selected for an anthology, Caring Moments, brought out by the website Life’s Inspirational Moments, Australia. She also writes on the blog writespace4iw.wordpress.com. - Linda Pressman, Blog Editor

"Dialogue 17"

Dov Lederberg

There is a saying: “You are what you eat”. But perhaps it should be: “You are what you hang up on your walls.”

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Certainly, the quality and direction of a person’s daily visual stimuli must have an influence on his/her mood and can be a springboard to profound spiritual meditation. Although the Judaic tradition is usually thought of as essentially iconoclastic according to a misinterpretation of the precept not to make a “graven image,” there are many areas that are especially appropriate and a source of inspiration for the artist.

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1. The Sacred Letters or the Hebrew letters according to the scribal style that appears

in the Torah scroll.

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2. Meditations and Imaginings on the Jewish Star, the Tree of Life diagram of the sephirot and visions of the Third Temple and Future Jerusalem. (These examples from the work of Yael Avi-Yonah)

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3. Images of the Dialogue-Antilogue series, suggesting through abstract forms and archetypes the intimate relationship between a man and his wife, the most potent kabbalistic metaphor for spiritual connection.

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4. In general, abstract art, or more precisely illusionist or gestalt art, can be become a strong stimulant to meditation, since it invites the active participation of the viewer with the endless possibility of seeing “new things”, thus eliciting multi-layered expansive consciousness.

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5. The use of the Golden Section (Fibonacci series), Cubes and Supercubes, Spiral Helixes and Fractals, all of which are hinted at in Jewish philosophy and in particular

the Kabbalah.

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In the dialogue relating to healing, art and Judaism, there is one perspective that considers illness, particularly the whole range of mental disorders, even normal tension, the result of a constricted consciousness. In the Kabbalah this is called Mitzrayim, the Hebrew name for Egypt, connected to the Hebrew root M-TZ-R, meaning straits and constriction. Mitzrayim implies a “doubled” constriction, that is to say a person who is - perhaps happily - completely unaware of his constricted view of life. The responsibility of the healer is to help deliver his patient from his mental "Egypt" to achieve a new and expansive vision of his life and mission.

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The constricted mundane consciousness is often described in the Kabbalah as the Elo-kim mode, a world ruled only by natural & rational laws. Expansive consciousness is the Yod-Kay-Vav-Kay mode, which implies the Past, the Present and the Future, together and simultaneously, and is the essence of the Jewish religious faith. This mode name is so holy that we substitute in a secular context just the word: HaShem: The Name.

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Art can help in this healing; bring you along from a state of Elo-kim to being closer to The Name. After all, you are what you hang up on your walls.

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Thanks for Reading JWorld Café, the Poetica Magazine Blog

Dov Lederberg, Guest Blogger

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Dov Lederberg grew up in Philadelphia, and educated at Haverford College, Columbia University (Fine Arts), and baal tsuva yeshivot in Brooklyn & Israel. He was an “underground” filmmaker in the Sixties and, since his aliya to Israel in 1967, a film director for Israel TV and independent. Since 1983, involved with new art mediums (painting and videoart) to visually express Jewish mysticism. His work is exhibited in museums and galleries in Israel and abroad. He and his artist wife, Yael Avi-Yonah, will be in the US between March 8th to April 6th in the greater NYC area, including a solo exhibit at the Great Neck Arts Center (Long Island), opening March 24th and are available for additional lectures and exhibitions. They welcome visits to their Jerusalem studio. View more of the artist's work at his website http://www.art.net/TheGallery/Vision and reach him by email at vision@art.net and phone Tel/fax: 972-2-5611411 - Linda Pressman, Blog Editor